The Story Behind It
When the world is fighting at every nick and corner of the world you can imagine and everybody is looking for being true and share their authentic self. People have been tired of fitting in.
By BHOOMI DIWA
As a human we have a strong need to feel love, belonged and welcomed by other human beings. In Maslow theory of hierarchy of needs after food, water and shelter next is the need to belong and feel part of a group. To such an extent that we sometimes are okay to fit in also. We are using the word fit in let’s define the word fitting in
“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”~ Brene Brown, The Gift of Imperfection
Everyone wants to fit in at least once in their life so much so that we are okay to be chameleon and let society guide you. But strangely deep down inside you, you still feel lonely around people also. Some night you feel that you have lost yourself while you were trying to please the crowd. The crowd who will only pass judgements and you can only hang around for some moments but does that crowd stand by your side during thick and thin. Isn’t every genre of people goes through it , whatever you want to call it, this the reason mean girls exist in all societies and age brackets. Some teenagers extend in grown up life and some through their death bed. But some people always look to feel belonged while fitting in throughout life. There are some people like me who can’t bear the burnt of having sleepless nights and one day they break tights with anyone who doesn’t respect them. May be it’s a gift of 30’s only. I still remember some 8-9 years back in this season was the first time I wanted to be understood for my actions. Slowly and steadily somehow that urge to be understood by the people who don’t have the backbone died in me. That was my start of the journey was trying to belong to myself before belonging to anyone else. Let’s define the word belonginess is being accepted for who you are irrespective of your actions. I truly value those times and may be those were hard times because I wanted to feel loved and still part of the group but my actions made me otherwise. Some people left me while I was battling losing important people at that time in my life. It was strange hollow feeling but when I look back those people were never my people. As I progressed in my coaching journey and started to learn each behaviour pattern, it came from the fact those people would have to accept the new consciousness you are bringing. Many may not be ready to accept and change their behaviour so they condemn your behaviour but you know they were never yours at the first place. While today I know can’t imagine fitting in anymore but that journey was so scary at beginning that it felt like a I was performing the stunt of jumping between the high rise building and I was in the middle of air not finding my ground. Slowly and steadily I started to like my own company and treated my own actions as I would treat my best friend which started my journey of healing. Last nail in the coffin was in 2019 when I stopped giving importance to people who is taking some baby steps in their dream life. Their shame, guilt thrown at me stopped making any impact. Once you tasted how to make the first move and find your land, you never stop being the wild child. Haaha many times I have been called out with that name. Now I carry as a badge of honour.
I have moved countries but have never felt alone because my urge to be a people pleaser has reduced or vanished while my understanding of people have increased. Now my need for a circle has diminished while I am learning at a rate which I never expected. It took lot of courage to be who I am and I made promise to myself wherever I go but I will never stop being who I am. I have changed 2 projects when I was judged for what I wore. If my dressing has impact on how you treat me, forget it I will not change my dress for you but I will go where I can be who I am. I am okay to stand alone for who I am. Now I don’t put so much energy to fight for things or people to understand me I just realize whether they have a capacity to even be part of discussion, if no let it be. No fight, no drama. Remain silent and find new circle, if no circle is there to be my backing, nobody can take away the universe backing from me. Funny fact in the whole journey is everybody wants you to grow but when you outgrow them they don’t like you. I have stopped expecting people to understand my journey. My confidant in life are now life coaches or one or two family members or friends who evolved with me in my journey. Choose your people wisely who will empathetic towards you in your journey since many would want you fit in since they can’t deal with the new norm you are making with living your true authentic self. Let it be, don’t stop your growth. Since today I might mould myself to fit in with you but to what extent?, I don’t want to lose myself again. I made that promise long back in 2014 and still continue to do so. You will rub these people in the wrong way without you realizing it with your light and sparkle. Be around people who fan your fire not trying to hide you in a corner or demean you in anyway.
The journey of fitting in to belonging first starts within. Then you look for some courage. This courage comes for the life you want to have, happiness you want to feel. Once you embark the journey some closed people might be lost but some new ones will be added. And some who understands your soul will stand by you. And those are the people you should worry about. Don’t think you will have army of friendship. Now if you tell me how many people you share your information with , I will tell you whether you are trying to fitting in or belonging to yourself. The freedom happens when you don’t belong to anyone or no any place
“You only are free when you realize you belong no place — you belong every place — no place at all. The price is high and the reward is great.” ~Maya Angelou
This was the quote which I literally understood late in my life. People who will stand by your side during your tumour journey are far more important than people with whom you spent the happy hours, holidays, vacations with. Loneliness is the predictor of earlier death. Lonely people attract more diseases in life than obese people. Funny thing is when we try to fit in we only attract loneliness. More we search for social connection more we find people who are not friends. Finding your soul is the way to find yourself. Art is one of the beautiful gifts to people because all artist have one thing in common they don’t run away from their emotions, they let those emotions settle in and express in such a way that when you are despair you see a hope through the artistic piece you have built be it a poem, music, dance or anything.
It was not until Aug 2020 when I was introduced to Brene Brown and understood the meaning of belonging is not something we negotiate with external world, it’s something we carry in our hearts. The people who belong are the ones who have the courage to stand alone. This all artist knows what it feels like to stand alone while still belonging to a community. While you should be part of the group and community , never you should doubt for a moment that there will be moments when you will have to stand alone. While as an artist understand the fact of being alone comes easily what as human we struggle to unravel the wired consciousness we have the need for a community. When you struggle with it, you are struggling with wilderness. Soon as artist you will find beauty in those alone time and also you will find the right balance easily between being fierce and kind. Striking a balance of being alone and letting people come together is a part and parcel of an artist . Who can help see all seasons through their eyes more than an artist does. They let you be part of something bigger while they are still standing alone. In short, on this dark journey use your creative to be your saviour, when you wouldn’t be able to talk to others who will be able to talk through your creative piece.
Happy journey of wilderness of your belonging !!!